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Friday, 8 June 2012

To Write or...............

I haven't blogged for a while or written very much at all, the reason being I have slipped into the old habit of waiting 'till I feel inspired' or 'in the right frame of mind' or 'feeling like I have something to say'. So of course, as is the way of things, no writing gets done.
An obstacle has been put in the way.
Also, in my defence your honour, I've had a visit from a very old aquaintance, my good friend anxiety. And the thing with anxiety is it tends to paralyze, roots you (me) to the spot afraid to move for whatever reason, such as 'not feeling like it'. Actually I am always anxious lately, in fact I have been most of my life.
Also anxiety (fear) is a very powerful attractive force and leads to hypervigilance, black and white thinking, catastrophe thinking, more and more and deeper and deeper anxious worried thoughts and it is, on top of all that, extremely tiring.
And this has affected my confidence which, at the best of times, isn't great. I think of a topic, like it, think about what I might say (in my head), think and think about it (analyse it), feel it's a load of crap then decide not to write it.
So, I haven't written (or done very much at all lately if I am honest) because of:
  • Anxiety
  • Waiting until I feel like it
  • Waiting for inspiration
  • Tired
  • A lack of confidence in my ability as a writer
  • Analysis paralysis
There are probably more reason's I can find if I really try. And I wouldn't have to try very hard either. But the truth is I don't want to, I'm tired and fed up. I want to write, honest. And what occurs to me is that, although I could use any one of the above as a reason why I haven't written and sort of be ok with that, not give myself a hard time, the truth is that not writing is actually harder than doing the writing, it takes more energy not to write, to stay anxious etc.
What all of the above are, rather than reasons, are excuses. And pitiful ones at that. Pathetic attempts at justifying my own laziness and lack of confidence. They don't ring true and the reason I say that is because I know they don't.
Reading, as I have done, many writers tips etc for writing they all say pretty much the same thing, and that is to write, every day, and to read widely, and never give up.
Here I offer you the latest, recieved by email today  ray-bradbury-writing-advice

Now they don't say write every day 'if/when you feel like it' or 'when you feel inspired' or 'only write if you're not feeling anxious' etc, it's just write, without any conditions attached to it.
The more you (I/me) write the better you (I/me) get at writing.
Even writing this now I know it's not hugely entertaining, or maybe even interesting, it's certainly not thought through or worked on. It's just me writing about what is going on for me right now and my attempt to work at, by taking action, my writing, one word at a time.

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