Brexit-turds of Turd Hall

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, aka BoJo, to use his own terminology is by far the biggest turd that has ever graced the British political scene with its foul presence. Not just any old turd either, but one of those big, nasty floaters that won't flush away and, even when you eventually break it up with a stick it still won't go, and now it's on the stick as well causing even more turdishness. Big Boris Johnson; loathsome, privileged, self-serving, scheming, bigoted, racist, back-stabbing and a bully; have I missed anything?

Whilst we're on the subject of turds, if I was to be pressed for a Brexit top-five-turds, seeing as this has all happened and is still happening directly in relation to Brexit (how do you choose just five?). I would say that number two (snigger) in the Brexit-turd-stakes would have to be modern day Oswald Mosley wannabe, dead-fish-flinger and The Donald's personal turd, Mr Brexit himself, Nigel Farrage. Having halfheartedly flushed himself away several times, he keeps popping out from the u-bend and floating back to the surface to promote his numerous campaigns; Brexit, Brexit and, oh, Brexit; how nobody is enabling Brexit, without himself making one positive contribution to the debate just insulting and criticising everyone except himself, making any agreement far less likely. And also promoting the rise of the far-right in Europe.

Squeezing in (or out, to keep the turd analogies going) at number three is Hard-Brexiter and professional Victorian, the funereal Jacob Rees-Log. Bessie mates with Nigel, along with Nanny and God on his side would rather see women die than have an abortion, or be forced to give birth to a child conceived through rape.

Brexit-turd number four is clumsy curtseyer and thousand-pound leather trouser wearer, the Right Honourable Theresa May, Member of Parliament for Maidenhead (snigger) and Prime Minister of the not-so United Kingdom, for another week-or-so anyway until a couple of the above mentioned Brexit-turds shove their turd-stained knives into her back. Noted for, amongst other highlights, calling an election that lost her parties parliamentary majority; clinging to power with a billion pound bribe to a party of ten MPs who, amongst other charming policies, are anti the gay marriage that her predecessor David Cameron introduced, and repeating the phrase 'Brexit means Brexit' without actually knowing what Brexit does mean or how to bring it about.

Number five on the Brexit turd scale, amongst a stinking muddy-brown pool of turds,  would have to be the dead-pig-shagging ex MP and PM David Cameron. Remember him? Gave us 'that' referendum then, showing his true colours and leadershit skills , buggered off leaving, as turds often do, a dirty skid-mark for others to clean up.

Whilst I'm at it, I want to make special mention of The Right (Left) Honourable Jeremy Corbyn MP, Leader of the Opposition. I can't quite bring myself to honour him with full Brexit-turd status, but recognise him as someone who had the opportunity to send the Brexit-turds a full-on, seismic, crack-splitting Butt-Bazooka, but instead chose perhaps the wettest fart known to humankind.

King in a Car Park

Warning. Some of the following may not be true....

Is it, isn't it. Oh yes it is. No longer are we discontent (sorry bout that). The skeleton found buried under a car park in Leicester IS King Richard III. Phew! The wait was unbearable (smiley face). It was the DNA that confirmed it. Cue much excitement amongst the Richard 111 society. They've even reconstructed his face, bless them.

Much is being made of how maligned and misrepresented by history he was. How could they? That naughty old Mr Shakespeare playing his part, making him a villain.
Turns out he was a lovely chap, a hero. Killed in the Battle of Bosworth in 1485, at the age of 32 and after just two years on the throne, having been challenged by the forces of Henry Tudor, the future Henry VII. Seems he met a bloody end too (can I say bloody on my blog?). Note head wounds and arrow in the back (I thought it was the eye, or was that a different King?).

And what thanks did he get for all his hard work? They buried him under a car park! The ungrateful swines. How undignified.

And it seems he didn't even have a hump. Or did he?  It's scoliosis I hear you cry.

Notwithstanding the importance of any of the above, and all that I have left out, for me his most valid and significant contribution to history, and the one that everyone has overlooked, or ignored, whilst they are busy arguing over where his remains should be inturd, stands gallantly alongside that of Sir Thomas Titt, admired and knighted by Queen Victoria for his contribution to the sewerage system, and the much loved Gypsy's Kiss, is as one of most used and more memorable pieces of modern rhyming slang.

I thank you.


He was a handsome bugger..





What hump?...