Brexit-turds of Turd Hall

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, aka BoJo, to use his own terminology is by far the biggest turd that has ever graced the British political scene with its foul presence. Not just any old turd either, but one of those big, nasty floaters that won't flush away and, even when you eventually break it up with a stick it still won't go, and now it's on the stick as well causing even more turdishness. Big Boris Johnson; loathsome, privileged, self-serving, scheming, bigoted, racist, back-stabbing and a bully; have I missed anything?

Whilst we're on the subject of turds, if I was to be pressed for a Brexit top-five-turds, seeing as this has all happened and is still happening directly in relation to Brexit (how do you choose just five?). I would say that number two (snigger) in the Brexit-turd-stakes would have to be modern day Oswald Mosley wannabe, dead-fish-flinger and The Donald's personal turd, Mr Brexit himself, Nigel Farrage. Having halfheartedly flushed himself away several times, he keeps popping out from the u-bend and floating back to the surface to promote his numerous campaigns; Brexit, Brexit and, oh, Brexit; how nobody is enabling Brexit, without himself making one positive contribution to the debate just insulting and criticising everyone except himself, making any agreement far less likely. And also promoting the rise of the far-right in Europe.

Squeezing in (or out, to keep the turd analogies going) at number three is Hard-Brexiter and professional Victorian, the funereal Jacob Rees-Log. Bessie mates with Nigel, along with Nanny and God on his side would rather see women die than have an abortion, or be forced to give birth to a child conceived through rape.

Brexit-turd number four is clumsy curtseyer and thousand-pound leather trouser wearer, the Right Honourable Theresa May, Member of Parliament for Maidenhead (snigger) and Prime Minister of the not-so United Kingdom, for another week-or-so anyway until a couple of the above mentioned Brexit-turds shove their turd-stained knives into her back. Noted for, amongst other highlights, calling an election that lost her parties parliamentary majority; clinging to power with a billion pound bribe to a party of ten MPs who, amongst other charming policies, are anti the gay marriage that her predecessor David Cameron introduced, and repeating the phrase 'Brexit means Brexit' without actually knowing what Brexit does mean or how to bring it about.

Number five on the Brexit turd scale, amongst a stinking muddy-brown pool of turds,  would have to be the dead-pig-shagging ex MP and PM David Cameron. Remember him? Gave us 'that' referendum then, showing his true colours and leadershit skills , buggered off leaving, as turds often do, a dirty skid-mark for others to clean up.

Whilst I'm at it, I want to make special mention of The Right (Left) Honourable Jeremy Corbyn MP, Leader of the Opposition. I can't quite bring myself to honour him with full Brexit-turd status, but recognise him as someone who had the opportunity to send the Brexit-turds a full-on, seismic, crack-splitting Butt-Bazooka, but instead chose perhaps the wettest fart known to humankind.

I Read It Somewhere

I read this at Colchester Sixth form college Readings Evening on Friday 8th July 2016. A fundraising evening for EducAid a charity raising funds for education in Sierra Leone. I was one of several performing and £350 was raised. Thanks to Eddie Ross and Jim Pey for organising and comparing. I think this is better listened to than read as I can give the emphasis where I need to. But enjoy it anyway, it's purely for fun....

I Read It Somewhere

Our bodies are made up of 60% water

or is it 75 or 83?

Something like that.

More sea than land anyway

just like the earth itself.

Each of us a microcosm

It’s why the moon effects our moods

as it does the oceans tides.

The lunar in the lunatic

and why we feel at peace near streams and brooks.

I read it somewhere.

Our bodies don’t end at our skin

there are aural bodies that surround us

if you believe that sort of thing.

Our physical bodies inhabit our spiritual souls

but our arseholes are part of our physical bodies.

Some arseholes stand for election to positions of power

and other arseholes come along and vote for them.

Some of us simply can’t be arsed.

I read it somewhere once that holding in farts can cause bad breath

and that it’s impossible to hold your breath until you die.

There’s two breath related gems for you.

I read it somewhere that when cars were first invented

people thought that if we drove at speeds of over 20mph

the force would crush our bodies.

We’re all one thought away from greatness or madness.

I read that somewhere too.

When we are asleep

the tiny people that live inside us wake up and walk around 

clearing up the mess we’ve made,

But when we’re drunk 

the fumes from the alcohol in our blood makes them dizzy

so they bump into each other and drop things.

That’s why we get hangovers.

I’m not sure where I read that.

Don’t believe everything you read

I definitely read that somewhere

Everything is made of atoms

all life on Earth

and atoms are made from stars gone supernova 

exploding throughout time and space.

The cosmos is within us

we’re all connected

all made of stardust

I read it somewhere and it’s true

although I've simplified it a bit

If I could wish for something to read 

that I haven't read yet,

I would pass it forward to our children’s children so they could read how

their grandparents generation realised nothing would change unless they stopped being arseholes and become change themselves and that was how the world woke up 

and that is how they came to be living

war and poverty free lives 

of equality

and unlimited possibilities 

That’s the book I’m writing.